These days I read a lot about gentle parenting. I wonder if something was wrong with the way our parents brought us up? Did we really grow up into confused and weak individuals, because our parents were more strict and we had to obey them without protest? I don’t think most of us suffered any ill-effect of such parenting. However, I am not denying that a few might have suffered trauma because of strict parenting, which has evoked calls for gentle parenting. But from my experience such cases are not common.

These days parents are over-anxious about parenting and want to do everything in their power to make kids happy and grow into confident and successful adults. I would say before the new millennium, parents may not have been over-anxious but still provided the best they could, and, of course wished the same for their children as today’s parents. Maybe as then many kids lived in a joint family, this prevented excessive focus or concern on anyone in particular.

In those days, children played, fought and made up without the parents being involved or even aware of any quarrels. In today’s world, in nuclear families with one or two kids, parents pay a lot more attention to their children. Most parents want to provide for a stress-free comfortable life for their kids, forgetting that it’s really not possible to do so.

Little do parents realise that over-protected children find it hard to face the harsh world when they grow into adults. Ultimately they learn from their own mistakes and hardships. By giving in too much to  children’s feelings and demands, we are leaving them ill-prepared for disappointments they may later face in life when things don’t go  their way.

Nita Agarwal

As children and young adults, many parents had dreams and ambitions that remained unfulfilled. It sometimes happens that parents try to realise their own failed ambitions via their children. This big mistake, parents should avoid.

Life for children today is competitive and even chaotic. After long hours in school, kids attend activity classes like dance, music  and sports in a bid to outshine their peers. Our life as children was different. Before computers or even television entered our lives, kids played rustic games like running around, skipping, climbing trees, hopscotch, hide-n- seek, Kho-kho, kabbadi and a host of other team sports.

We didn’t need anything special or expensive to play these games. Outdoor games contributed to our physical and mental health. Today in the age of technology, most kids are glued to their computers or smart phones. Health experts warn that such activity is detrimental, physically and even mentally, leave alone being bad for the eyes. This has become a major concern for parents today.

But why do children spend so much time indoors? Are they not as physically fit as children of earlier generations? The answer could be found in the fact that the security environment now is not conducive to children roaming freely like children did in the years gone by. On account of increasing crimes against young children, most parents do not allow kids to play unsupervised. With more high-rises and less open ground, most kids have little exposure to climbing trees or to running around freely.

How many children today can recite poet William Wordsworth’s verse and actually experience it like we did as kids?

 I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

With the onslaught of technology, poetry and innocent romance seems to have vanished. Children are instead left to face the harsh realities of a technological age that is at once so impersonal and inhuman.  Of course, kids today have indoor mountain climbing and special summer camps to enjoy natural beauty and develop an adventurous spirit. They are more aware and knowledgeable, thanks to the internet where info is available at the click of a mouse, while we grew up struggling to collect information the hard way; sitting in libraries and pouring through mounds of information in encyclopaedias. 

But having said my bit about life in our good old days, it’s time to take a look at how parents can make life easier for children. I believe every child is different and there are no one set of rules for bringing up kids. The environment at home, school and society at large affects the child. Despite gentle parenting, kids can grow up with complexes that parents may have no control over and be totally unaware of.

Some kids with strict parents turn out great, while others can become rebellious. Even with gentle parenting, kids can grow up with a lot of complexes, because they do not learn to take a ‘no’ in life. Failures are hard to digest and suicides have increased among  young adults. Two kids growing up in the same family can grow up very different! Even identical twins now turn out very different from each other.

Most parents do their best for their children, yet they sometimes grow up thinking that parents failed them in some way. So don’t beat yourself for it or be over-anxious. We must realise that being parents does not make us geniuses―mistakes can happen. 

I am sharing a few suggestions for parents to ponder upon: 

1) Don’t attempt to achieve your unfulfilled desires or ambitions through your children.

2) Satisfy your children’s curiosity by answering their queries. Never dodge or ignore their queries, even if they appear embarrassing at times as they then become more curious and tend to look for answers elsewhere, which may not be the best option.

3) Give them opportunities to explore different activities and then let them follow what they enjoy most. Give them space to decide what they want to do in life.

4) Do not force your child to do what others are doing. Comparisons hurt a child. Encourage them to follow what they enjoy doing with full passion and interest. 

5) Lead by example. For  example, don’t tell lies, however inconsequential, in front of your children, if you want them to speak the truth always. It sends a wrong signal to the child.

6) Do not make promises you can’t keep. I have seen children complain that their parents promised to buy something or take them somewhere but didn’t. They begin to distrust elders and do not learn the  value of keeping a promise. It makes a child feel cheated.

7) Once children become teenagers, treat them like friends. Try to understand their feelings to guide them properly. If we preach to them, they stop listening.

8) When the children say or promise something, believe them. Give them time to show that they are capable of keeping their promise.

9) If they falter, support and guide them. Don’t shout at them or make them feel guilty.

10) Do not criticise or discuss your children with others, in front of them. It can affect their self-confidence.

11) Do not exhibit your fears in front of  your children. It makes them insecure. In a crisis, discuss the issue dispassionately and make your teens aware of the reality. Hiding things doesn’t help them in any way.

12) Be aware of your child and observe changes in behaviour so that you can prevent him/her from falling into a bad habit.

13) Be involved but avoid unnecessary interference. Be gentle but never fail in discipline whenever necessary.

14) Most important, enjoy being a parent. In fact, if you follow the first 13 simple suggestions, you will enjoy parenting.

Nita Agarwal is an ex-Table Tennis State player, qualified teacher, self-taught budding painter, a successful blogger, who writes about her observations of life and people; and most importantly, a working housewife. 

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