Sandhya (name changed) told me that she felt emptiness in her life.  She felt her life was meaningless.  She was plagued by self-doubt and found herself inadvertently trapped in a vortex of self-criticism. Over a period of time, she got herself caught into this absurd habit of philosophical concerns with really no relevance to her personal life.  

This added to the whirl of confused thoughts in her mind, ruining her happiness altogether. As I heard her through the psychotherapy session, I could see that within her there were two distinct voices. One voice, which was feeble, represented her true feelings. The second represented her important relationships and how she had been treated in them. It was as if one person was expressing how empty she felt and another person was ruthlessly dismissing and challenging her.

Although on the surface our personality appears to be a single entity, deep down it comprises of various parts. Broadly the personality has two distinct systems―the core self and the peripheral self. For inner harmony and psychological well-being both need to be in tune. The core self is what we really are whereas the peripheral self comprises of the various interpersonal and social conditionings we have imbibed. Usually, these two systems are in conflict with each other. It is this conflict that is the cause of a host of personal, interpersonal and psychological problems.

Childhood Roots

During childhood, all of us feel vulnerable and needy. Each one of us is born with unique potentials, which are seeking to blossom. If the people around us are attuned to our experiences, and help in finding words to sooth our overwhelming emotions, and hold and nurture us, we develop a strong inner child, who is open to all emotions and experiences and has the capacity to face conflicts.

It is only when we get good enough care from others that we learn to care for ourselves and the inner child feels positive and resourceful. This helps us in finding ways to live out our core self. We develop self respect and the ability to create. However, if people around us are misattuned to our experience and needs, the core self experiences psychological trauma. It either dies down or goes into hiding and develops a substitute peripheral self in its place.

The peripheral self consists of attributes which are valued by significant others in our life. There is a blind and unquestioning acceptance of the peripheral self if the core self is traumatised.

Let us take another case. Ajay (name changed) shared that he did not know which type of music he enjoyed. In company of different people, he enjoyed different types of music. Ajay was never mirrored for his uniqueness and as a result he developed a deep shame around his core self. There was a sense that no one would find his core self interesting and therefore he always tried to find out what others liked and imitated it.

Hope

No matter how severe the trauma is, in my psychological work, I have always seen that the core self is always waiting to find support and revive itself. The core self needs a strong empathic relationship to transcend the trauma. I have seen that people find such a relationship in different contexts―while some benefit working with a psychologist, there are others who find support from a spiritual master, still others blossom through a love relationship or while caring for someone. It is the intensity and authenticity of the relationship that matters. When someone gets a consistent relationship where their true self is valued and validated, this powerful experience gets internalised in the self and the core self feels safe and strong enough to revive.

Specific Steps

The following are the steps that one can follow while undertaking this journey:

  • Identifying the Split: A short exercise can tell you whether your core self is split. Write down ten words which best describe your inner world and recall and note down incidents supporting these words. After you are done with this, just go through this narrative and study your reaction. If you find yourself disagreeing with some experiences or wanting to replace or change them, it can be a sign that the core self is split.
  • Dealing with Resistance: Even when we acknowledge there is a problem, it takes us time to address it. This is because we have resistance to change as we fear re-experiencing the trauma in the process. Many people prefer to live in pain rather than risk change. You need to develop inner strength to deal with this fear.
  • Reach out for a relationship: Once you have identified the split and are willing to work on it, seek out a relationship. The relationship should be with someone who has been through an inner journey and can guide you. The relationship should give you the space to express all kinds of thoughts and feelings including the most negative ones. This is so because while working through the trauma the negative emotions need to be confronted.
  • Development of Inner Nurturance: As you are in the process, learn to nurture your core self by acknowledging, respecting and appreciating it. Indulge the peripheral self and the core self in an inner dialogue so that both can understand each other and reach a common ground.
  • Self Expression: Once you get in touch with your core self, express it. The more you express it, the stronger and radiant it will become, filling your life with peace and joy.

(The writer is a clinical psychologist in Puducherry.)