It is often said that we must hate the sin and not the sinner. So, we must forgive. But the question is: Is it so easy to forgive? The obvious answer is ‘No’. It takes a lot of courage to forgive; it’s a big effort to forgive someone who has hurt or harmed you. The easier way out is―take revenge and dispense quick justice for yourself, without thinking.
But what happens when you take revenge? Do you feel satisfied and happy? Not really! You feel agitated, still angry with your offender, even sad. That’s perhaps because your act of revenge didn’t reflect your true nature. The true nature of all human beings is to live in peace, harmony and calmness.
In our daily life, we overlook many things because it isn’t practical to keep a grudge with our loved ones. When our friends and relatives hurt us we feel the pain, maybe sulk for sometime, but we soon overcome it all, because we consider the relationship more important than nursing the hurt. However, if the same person hurts us repeatedly, then a bit of introspection and self-analysis is needed. We may then find that we may have given a cause to the other person to behave inappropriately.
At other times, we may feel we are not at fault, but our expectations from that person was the cause of our disappointment or hurt. Perhaps, our expectations were too high or we had placed that person on a pedestal. Sometimes the other person could be selfish or inconsiderate unintentionally. Whether it is due to selfishness or ignorance of the other person or our own expectations from the person, we should bear in mind that the hurt and loss of peace of mind is ours alone―this affects only our happiness, and not his or hers. The best way to resolve the situation is to change oneself rather than expect the other person to change. In such an approach, we can find a solution and happiness.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you,” says Lewis B Smedes, author and theologian. However, in the course of the hangings of Nirbhaya’s rapists, when some activists advised Nirbhaya’s parents to forgive the rapists, the mother of Nirbhaya, who had been fighting relentlessly for the last eight years to get justice for her daughter’s gruesome death, was not at all inclined to forgive.
This made me wonder if we have the right to advise others to forgive. Forgiveness is an individual call that comes from within and not an act that is the outcome of someone else preaching about the benefits of forgiveness. Justice is a very important part of the healing process in the case of victims of horrendous crimes. Do we have the right to demand or preach forgiveness to them?
We must first help the victims to heal. Did anyone who asked Nirbhaya’s mother to forgive make any efforts to understand her pain or do something to make her emotionally and mentally strong to forgive the rapists? Did human rights organisations help to heal Nirbhaya’s parents’ pain from within? In India, rapes have never stopped; so how can a mother believe that in future no other girl will go through the pain her daughter went through?
Those who tried to lecture Nirbhaya’s mother on forgiveness should have instead enrolled her support and that of other parents to join hands with NGOs in raising more awareness about the safety and welfare of women.
The heart of Nirbhaya’s mother was filled with so much pain. Can a heart with so much pain really forgive?
We may be able to forgive when we accept that misery or hurt is not because of the people who caused it, but it was our own life’s destiny that made us go through such a painful period. People causing the pain were mere actors in the drama of life, playing their villainous role.
Destiny plays an important role in our suffering as well as joy. If we believe that we are the cause of our own destiny and others are not responsible for it, then we will be in a better frame of mind, to forgive others. Instead of holding resentment against a person for your troubles, it is better to own responsibility for them.
As American author Catherine Ponder says: “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” By forgiving, we can snap the memories of the person playing a villainous role in our life. But will snapping memories help in ensuring everlasting peace and calmness? For, forgiveness is much more than making a break with the past.
Forgiveness is considered a divine attribute. How can we, mere humans, acquire divine qualities? The answer is: be bound to the Divine Force, who is the true healer of our pain and the gateway to peace, happiness and calmness―it is this Divine Force, who will bestow us with divinity.
Forgiveness requires loads of self-belief, and the strength of a calm mind―a lofty goal, which can be only achieved by being close to God, always.
And, it is only by surrendering to the Divine Force, we humans can acquire the power to forgive. We may then realise that forgiveness is, after all, a simple secret of practical spirituality.
Nita Agarwal is an ex-Table Tennis State player, qualified teacher, self-taught budding painter, a successful blogger, who writes about her observations of life and people; and most importantly, a working housewife.
Forgiveness is a divine trait . No doubt. It is not easy for humans to forgive .
Specially inhuman acts cannot be forgiven . An act which inflicts lifelong pain on somebody cannot be forgiven.
But there are times when people are unintentionally doing things without realising the effect of their acts and hurting others. In that case forgiven can be thought about but not before they are made to realise of their unthoughtful acts .
Family disputes can be settled if we target the issue with open talks. To carry a grudge for ever leaves a scar on our psyche. Better to resolve differences and then may be we can think of forgiveness knowing all reasons.
At times forgiving is thought of as a cowardly act. So at appropriate times it is better to let the person know of their behaviour which caused hurt .
It is important for people to know why they were treated badly .Once they know it they can forgive.. Of course one can alter one’s perspectives to deal with the cause of heart . That too can help us to forgive
Forgiving just because it is a divine trait will help us not in a material world. Before we let go and move ahead it is essential to lay bare our feeling of hurt so that person involved get a chance to improve if they desire so.
Of course no point in boiling with wrath for the whole life ,we hwe to let go . In some cases it has to be just a divine trait just to maintain harmony .
Agree with you seema. It’s not easy to forgive that’s why I find it strange when people ask the victim or victim’s family without even making effort to understand their pain. For me it was about realising that I am suffering because of my own destiny and others are playing their role helped me to over come pain. If it’s outsiders then we can avoid future interactions but when it’s within family it is constant reminder still easier because we love our family. I always feel we all have family issues but no issue can be greater than family. So it helps to forgive with time. Time is also a big healer, if we do not dwell on the issue at all times.
करूणा…I don’t find a word corollary to this one, which is a basic ingredient of the healing process as much for ourselves, that much for the universe…
Of course, as Nita ji cites the poignant case of Nirbhaya and the tormenting pain her parents went through in fighting for justice for her, one can hardly imagine what a fight they must have gone through in reconciling the conflict of taking the case to its logical conclusion or just forgive & forget with the most liberal emotion, a lofty goal indeed as she says, being close to God and yet being an earthly person.
As so many stories speak of the glory of करूणा and Forgiveness in the Jataka tales, suggesting at making it practical so that Divinity descends here and now to the earth, one has to be a pratyekabuddha, a little God in his or her entity so that it becomes a healing service as much for us, that much for the universe.
Yes, this as such is either Practical Spirituality or just a lofty talk and nothing else!