These days we read a lot about conflict. Conflict is a kind of struggle between two individuals because of difference of opinion and ideas. There is a constant clash of opinion because both are obsessed with their own ideas and interests. When two people are not in tune with each others’ way of thinking, conflict brews. With development of science and technology, humans are constantly in conflict with natural forces. After dominating and exploiting natural resources, we are now frequently facing the fury of nature in the form of cyclones, earthquakes, floods and drought. Our ozone layer is depleted by our polluting technologies and industrial activities. As a consequence, we now face the threat of global warming, which may finally lead to global freezing.
Animals are also suffering because we are destroying their abodes to build our own luxurious homes. When we ignore the interests of others, the inevitable outcome is conflict, sooner or later. The dangerous Covid-19 virus, supposedly a man-made menace, has created havoc in the whole world. However, it has given an opportunity to natural resources to recoup and rejuvenate as many ecologically disturbing human activities have been suspended under the lockdown.
Conflicts are not restricted to people. We are constantly witnessing international conflicts between nations at their boundaries or in trade agreements. Regional conflicts between different states within a nation has worsened due to Covid -19. We have seen the plight of migrant workers in India and how each state is blaming the other for the crisis.
Conflicts happen because one is driven by greed for power and the desire to dictate terms to others. One tries to dominate, therefore, the other retaliates. We fight over issues like language, culture, food habits, national boundaries and so on. There is an ever-looming threat of a world war owing to conflicts between nations.
But the worst form of conflict is the one that is simmering in humans. Our hearts are at war because we are not in tune with the inner self. We feel victimised and wronged. That’s because all of us are so self-centred and egoistic. With such a mindset, we fail to understand the other side. We seek empathy, but don’t give anything in return.
Everyone talks of self-respect but fails to understand the respect others are seeking, too. Everyone wants to be heard but no one is ready to listen. Everyone is clamouring for the best in life, but few are willing to concede that all have equal rights. There are more takers than givers. So there are more conflicts than resolutions.
There are personal conflicts galore―between a couple, friends and among children. With working couples, conflict happens over small issues like who will pick the kids from school or who will attend the parent-teacher meetings. Women are always expected to handle household responsibilities, whether working or not. If the wife refuses to do the housework, she is labelled ‘uncaring’ and accused of shying away from her primary responsibility.
Office work doesn’t get over in the office itself; it comes home with the person. In the middle of a quiet family dinner, the mobile buzzes and the ring becomes the death knell of a lovely family evening. A husband is sandwiched between an insensitive workaholic boss and a ‘not-so-understanding wife, who may feel unloved, as the spouse seems to give more importance to career than family. Both are stressed; both consider themselves victims. Soon, communication lines between the two snap. Without communication, hearts get hardened and barriers widen.
The best way to resolve conflict is communication. The best remedy is to sit across the table and talk. This doesn’t easily happen. So conflicts worsen and homes become like war zones.
Conflicts at home are like Covid-19. The conflict contagion spreads to children, especially teenagers. The yawning generation gap is widening. Instead of seeing unconditional love in their parents, children now can only sniff in them a pandemic of obsolescence. The conflict is out in the open. Parents are dismayed at the lack of respect in the apples of their eyes and children shrink in horror at their old-fashioned, overbearing, dictatorial parents.
Why blame children! In the Internet age, where any information is just a click away, and children feel empowered with knowledge and don’t seem to need their parents’ wisdom and advice. Parents feel that their knowledge is vintage and power-packed with experience that no computer can give. Children want parents to move with the changing times. Parents want children to see the sign of the times.
Conflicts at home worsen when both parents are working. Parents think that they are working hard to give their children the best education and modern-day comforts, but children crave for attention and love, which money can’t buy.
One of the worst conflicts the world has faced and continues to face even today is discord in the name of religion. People are constantly fighting. Politicians and their supporters exploit religious sentiments, because they thrive on disharmony. Personal complexities of hatred for a community or caste can happen due to some bad personal experience, which can make one hate a particular community or people of a particular religion. When we carry a grudge with people at large, it is very difficult to resolve this issue because we don’t realise that the real enemy is within us. The external enemy is most often imaginary and a product of our inner conflict and insecurities. Social media has made this conflict more widespread and worse. Too much negative feeds via social media makes one more hardened in our (wrong) beliefs and hatred for others. We can neither lose nor win against an imaginary enemy. We have to introspect, forgive and forget to get back our sanity and peace of mind and heart.
The solution is neither so difficult, nor so easy. But try we must. Let us stop feeling like victims and blaming others for our own mistakes, self-inflicted misfortunes and erroneous perceptions. We need to first attempt to understand ourselves, our own feelings and try to change our own attitudes. If we have a strong feeling that the other person also needs to change, then we should reach out to him or her, gently, with love and kindness. Most importantly, let us listen to others with an open mind and a loving heart to understand them better. It might then be easier to find a solution.
Here are ten steps to resolve conflicts:
First, we must feel the need to rebuild a relationship. If we want to live in peace, surrounded by love, we must work at smoothening all relationships.
Second, recognise that something is wrong. We cannot look for a solution without accepting that there is a problem.
Third, stop feeling victimised. When we feel victimised, we find justifications for our own irrational behaviour. Then it is difficult to see the problem.
Fourth, stop trying to change others.
Fifth, learn to see things from other people’s perspectives.
Sixth, change yourself before changing others.
Seventh, we must learn to communicate and speak out our thoughts clearly and seek others’ responses with a peaceful mind.
Eighth, as our tone and manner affect the mode of communication, we must be polite and civil with each other.
Ninth, we must listen to the other person with an open mind because only then can we truly grasp the other person’s feelings. With preconceived notions, we will fail to grasp the other person’s point of view.
Tenth, believe in your ability to resolve the conflict. In other words, have faith in yourself and in the other person. If faith can move mountains, then surely it can resolve conflicts, no matter how difficult they seem.
You cannot force your thoughts on others. Neither can you say that I am right and all others are wrong. Live at peace with yourself and nurture genuine love for fellow human beings to find a way out of conflict.
Indeed, the best solution to any conflict is love―and more love.
Nita Agarwal is an ex-Table Tennis State player, qualified teacher, self-taught budding painter, a successful blogger, who writes about her observations of life and people; and most importantly, a working housewife.
What a wonderful reflection Nita ji!
Beautifully planned and articulated.
Thank you Manasji!
Very well-written . You covered all the points that lead to conflict . I feel the first and foremost Iis our own conflict with our inner self. Our conscience keeps warning us of outcomes but we are blinded with desires .
In the endiend is important to forgive people taking in consideration that they are acting under their preset perspectives and we are acting under our own .
Sitting and talking and giving time to listen to each other is the best remedy putting the conflicts to end. .
We have to deal with our inner feelings . Clarity of thoughts and actions is very important.
Well said Seema. We have to understand people act out of their own mindset based on their personal experiences and we have solve our own inner conflicts and listen to our inner voice / conscience