Can there be close bonding, without any physical attraction between a man and a woman? “I have a close friend of the opposite sex—someone I have known for ten years, since I was sixteen years old. We have a very nurturing relationship and there has never been a hint of sexual attraction between us. I am married now, and my new family, especially my husband, views this relationship with suspicion. I have been told to stop meeting or talking to my friend. How can I make them understand that this is purely platonic? That you can love a man just as you love a girlfriend, a cousin, or even a brother or sister.” — Kavita Bajaj (name changed).
This kind of situation is pretty common, especially among those who live in urban areas where there are less restrictions on socialising with members of the opposite sex. The question that comes to mind is how many of us interpret platonic love correctly? If her husband had a similar platonic relationship, would Kavita have accepted it? Often a spouse tends to use the term ‘platonic’ to put the partner off the scent of infidelity. And in Kavita’s case, she is wrong in comparing platonic love to the love for a girlfriend, a cousin or a sibling.
Platonic love is much more than mere friendship between two girls, two boys or a boy and a girl . It is definitely different from filial love or the love between a brother and sister or cousins. And a rakhi-brother that a girl may adopt is not a platonic lover.
Platonic love is always between the opposite sexes; it’s not a flirtatious fling that we are talking about, but a strong commitment of mutual love and respect; very spiritual, bordering on the divine. You love the heart, mind and soul, and not the physical appearance.
However, there’s always the lurking danger of sensuality souring a platonic relationship. And it takes just one indiscreet moment to erase the Lakshman Rekha of ‘no sex please’ between two platonic lovers.
Interestingly, platonic love in its original form had nothing to do with gender. The concept of platonic love arose in Plato’s Symposium and Phaedrus. It was love meant to bring two lovers closer to wisdom and the Platonic form of beauty.
The examples given by Plato refer exclusively to the love between a man and a boy. By the mid-18th century, platonic friendship and platonic love were commonly used to signify an intense but sexless relationship between two members of the opposite sex.
However, when we study recent Indian history, doubts crop up whether platonic love can really exist. Do you believe that Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru’s love for Edwina Mountbatten was platonic? Do you think that Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi’s close relationships with more than a dozen women were platonic?
Various commentators have raised doubts on the platonic nature of Nehru’s relationship with Edwina. However, Edwina’s daughter, Pamela Mountbatten has said in her book, India Remembered: A Personal Account of the Mountbattens During the Transfer of Power, that while “love blossomed between the ‘lonely’ widowed prime minister and her British socialite mother, the relationship was purely platonic.”
However, in chats with half-a-dozen odd friends from age groups ranging between 20 and 60, I get the distinct impression that platonic love is alive and kicking. Says advertising guru, poet and singer, Cedric Serpes: “Platonic interdependency is possible. Sex is by no means a yardstick to measure love.”
Adds physician Jitu Rajgor, “Platonic love is possible and it exists.” But he clarified: “Mostly, it is one-sided.”
Rupa Gulab, author of several novels, says that platonic love is possible “so long as both individuals in the relationship have low sex drives. Also, as couples grow older together, love does tend to become more platonic than physical,” adds Gulab.
That’s a view also endorsed by development consultant Kiran Negi who says that many couples after some years of marriage are more like “companions and soul mates.”
Army wife Priya Khanna believes that platonic relationships “resonate the Indian way of life, which believes in the purity of man-woman union.”
Payal Gwalani, a young journalist says she is connected spiritually with her platonic soul mate who is ten years her senior.
And when she gets married, he will continue to be a part of her life. But she’ll make sure that the man she marries ‘is understanding’ enough to accept this. Good luck, Payal!