Emotions provide a safety valve to the soldier. Each time, emotional turmoil is mastered, one feels that a milestone of personal growth has been reached, says BRIGADIER RAJIV MAHNA

In movies and the media, often, the soldier stereotype falls in two categories: the loud, good old chap or the strong, silent type. Being a veteran soldier from a combat arm of the Indian Army, I would like to share some of the real emotions experienced by us during our service dedicated to the nation. In our profession, unpredictable events are more or less a norm rather than an exception.

However, being a solider doesn’t make us superhuman. The most difficult times of our lives are probably not on the battlefront, but when the end of our leave is approaching.  Shadows of the approach of this date are clearly visible in the nervous gestures of parents, put-on smiles of the spouse and very polite behaviour of the children of the house. The ‘stoic soldier’ goes through many contrasting emotions during this period ― the disciplined mind rationalises the requirement of rejoining duty on the stipulated day, but the human heart craves for one more day with loved ones.

Maybe, after undergoing such trials for multiple times in my life, I have developed an unusual habit; no ‘See Offs’ at the time of departure. Personally, I always calmed my mind during the return journey by reading historical novels written by Harold Lamb and at times, fiction inspired by real life, crafted by Irving Stone ― Lust for Life, a novel based on the life of Vincent Van Gogh, being one of my favourite books.

Brigadier Rajiv Mahna

But such sentiments of the soldier which can be termed ‘Inevitable Emotions’, disappear as drops of dew in the warmth received from brothers in arms after reaching back at the post.  

Imagination is a wonderful facility of the mind. ‘Imagined Emotions’ really help during times when the going gets tougher than expected. In my case, I employed the technique of comparing my own present circumstances with the situations faced by the relevant characters of books. I vividly remember reading my tattered copy of The Jungle is Neutral by F. Spencer Chapman to elevate my mood, while establishing a new post at a remote, thickly wooded patch in Sri Lanka, through the process of imagination fuelled by conviction that if Chapman could manage, so shall I.

Loneliness is a strange felling. It can strike in the most unexpected manner even when you are enjoying the abundant company of fellow soldiers. The Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn was a real balm for the soul during such moments.       

Patrolling through villages and towns during evenings was always an intense emotional experience. Children playing in the fields, the aroma of dinners being cooked, sounds of programmes being aired on radio and television, people returning home after a day’s work and sights of a plethora of other normal activities remind the soldier of his home and family.

Memories flood the mind and for a moment, a very brief moment, an overpowering desire to be at home creeps through the windows of even a well-trained mind. Such ‘Fleeting Emotions’ were easiest to handle because the cause vanished on returning to the post and so, the effect.

Music for the soldier’s heart

Live Combat Situations are very dynamic and during execution, the mind refuses to wander away from the actions required to be undertaken for the success of the mission. Post operations, when the after action report has been drafted and dispatched, there is the sudden onset of a ‘Retrospective Emotional’ state. You remember the courage displayed by fellow soldiers under fire, and also go through the ‘what if’ type of emotional cycle. During such time, I read and reread a story titled To Build a Fire written twice by Jack London.

The themes of Perseverance, Wisdom and Death have been very strongly woven in the narrative which describes the lonely trek of a man in Yukon Territory in severely cold weather conditions. Man survives in the version written in 1902 and freezes to death in the version narrated in 1908. Under the spell of ‘What if’ moment’s’, one keeps thinking that, had the bullet been an inch to the left, the fellow soldier would have been chatting with us today. A quiet and earnest prayer helps to tide over the kaleidoscopic emotional landscape.  

Emotions provide a safety valve to the soldier. Each time the emotional turmoil is mastered, one feels that a milestone of personal growth has been reached. These feelings are being shared with the readers to convey the message of an incorrigible optimist ― that is me: Tough times don’t last, Tough people do.

Brigadier Rajiv Mahna is an Indian Army veteran. He was awarded the Sena Medal for Gallantry while serving in Sri Lanka during Operation PAWAN, the Yudh Seva Medal while commanding a Brigade on LAC and the Vishisht Seva Medal for his role in the weapon procurement process of the Indian Army. He writes on geopolitics and other issues.